I fucking hate my fucking stupid life
Every minute is like suffocation
I give up
I want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone
I just want to leave, on my own .. go on a journey far away from this place
I want to be alone and die fulfilling my one and only living dream I have left... to travel and see the world..
What does my family want for me? Oh, lets find you a nice guy, you can settle down! Yay! How wonderful will it be?...
What do I want?... To leave and go travel the world, fuck getting married my heart is long gone, it will belong to only one person the rest of my pitiful life anyway, I cant get married to someone I wont fucking love, whats the fucking point!! So I can drown in that misery, and it can slowly kill me every single day???!!
Ha. I dont fucking think so
I DONT DONT DONT want to get married it makes me feel physically sick... I dont want anyone but him, and I wont ever want anyone this much... I cant have him so I want to just die single, only loyal to him the rest of my bloody life... teach all these fuckers around me what true love and loyalty really is...
I'll never ever invest this much love in anyone ever again, I have been betrayed for the last time, I'm not letting anyone fucking close to me ever again, all they do is walk away after I give them SO much ... I will never love like this again..
Is there something wrong with me? So many people easily find new love and move on and forget the past why cant I??? Why does my heart still want only him, even long after he has given up?? Am i clingy? desperate? just really stupid?? Even after how much he has hurt me, I still only feel love and want him??...........
I dont feel close to anyone anymore, I feel unimportant and like a waste of space.. I feel like a floating entity, watching down on my family and friends from above yet not comprehending what is happening...
All anyone ever does is criticise or mock me,,... the few who actually care just give me sympathy or pity, I dont WANT IT if you are gona do anything to help then get me out of this FUCKING MESS
I hate how I have to pretend and act like everything is ok infront of everyone, otherwise face fucking STUPID questions, how are you, you ok, whats the matter blah fucking blah
I just want to make something of myself, to acheive and live life the way I want, is that so much to ask for??!! Whats the big deal if i dont want to get married and be a slave for a man I dont even love, and just want to travel on my own??!! I dont want to rely on anyone anymore, its only human nature anyway to just ditch someone in the end, I am the only loyal person I know... pretty much every person I know has betrayed me or let me down in my life, there is nobody like me!! Im one fucking stupid lone ugly duckling, who is nice to everyone and expects the same in return! I just NEED to get away from here now, ive HAD IT!!
I dont think I have the balls to rebel, I would just face problem after problem, I'm scared of the family and what they'd do to my parents, then again I'm a big disappointment to my parents anyway, they already think I'm fucked up,...
Its not even funny how alone I am, nobody cares to listen to me, my brothers laugh and scoff at me, tell me to shutup and use harsh words on me that stab and hurt me like knives, my sister has her own shit going on, friends just say yeah great move out, do this, do that, without truly realising how near impossible it is for me
Nobody would miss me, infact, everyone would be better off without this fucking retard
I find myself not caring or giving a fuck about anything anymore, its as if I have actually lost the ability ... I am completely self-destructive, a hazard to myself
I've never ever had a normal life... theres always been one thing, after another, after another, after another. How the FUCK does anyone expect me to suddenly think, "hey its ok, things will get better!" ??? ... lets be realistic, unless I rebel and go against my family, things will NEVER go my way... and even then, will I be able to live with the burden of guilt and fucking Pakistani culture weighing on my parents?...
I FUCKING HATE THIS
Potentially I have so many people to talk to but nobody will listen ... whats the point anyway, nobody understands me, or can change my reality
That word, "reality" ... I despise it. I'm always trying to run away from it or oppose it, somehow... losing myself in films, games, anime, the internet... it has always been my source of comfort my whole life, but now... now it just dulls the pain, which in turn makes it worse once the pain kicks in again
I cry myself to sleep nearly every night and wake up angry and annoyed every afternoon
I think I have eating disorder, I barely eat and I dont feel hungry... I have to force myself... my body is so weak, i get dizzy, tired, cramps so easily, I've lost so much weight but still see a fat unattractive person in the mirror...
I see no hope or happiness for my future, all I see is heartache and headache... all my ambitions were either killed by my family or now by myself... what is the point in continuing?? Please dont give me bullshit like "oh, theres a reason you're alive" or "oh, God always has better in mind for you"... PLEASE. how do we know Allah might feel it is best for me to suffer like this until I kill myself? Could be, right? I dont need this wishy washy answers anymore, ENOUGH of them...
Which leaves one last option? To end this miserable life. But hey, guess what? Allah doesn't allow suicide. Well, fuck me. There really is no easy way out, is there? Why, ya Allah? Why??? Its not even like i can indirectly kill myself by putting myself in danger, Allah knows of the intention. I'm truly fucked. I wish I had the balls to just do it, it cant be that hard to commit suicide, can it? Its what will happen afterwards, the punishment I will face in the afterlife, that is stopping me.
I am so so SO screwed. I am lost and I really dont know what to do. I really do hope I will die soon, somehow. Honestly, I'll be at peace. I've seen/felt/heard enough in these 24 years.... I dont want to continue, ... it will totally be best that way, I'd stop being a hindrace for everyone else, the few people who do care will get over the loss after a few weeks and I will be resting in peace.
Please someone, just take my life. Just do it. Shoot me, run me over, throw me off a cliff, I dont CARE. Just DO IT.