~ If its worth having... its worth fighting for. ~


(no subject)
I fucking hate my fucking stupid life

Every minute is like suffocation

I give up

I want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone

I just want to leave, on my own .. go on a journey far away from this place

I want to be alone and die fulfilling my one and only living dream I have left... to travel and see the world..

What does my family want for me? Oh, lets find you a nice guy, you can settle down! Yay! How wonderful will it be?...
What do I want?... To leave and go travel the world, fuck getting married my heart is long gone, it will belong to only one person the rest of my pitiful life anyway, I cant get married to someone I wont fucking love, whats the fucking point!! So I can drown in that misery, and it can slowly kill me every single day???!!

Ha. I dont fucking think so

I DONT DONT DONT want to get married it makes me feel physically sick... I dont want anyone but him, and I wont ever want anyone this much... I cant have him so I want to just die single, only loyal to him the rest of my bloody life... teach all these fuckers around me what true love and loyalty really is...

I'll never ever invest this much love in anyone ever again, I have been betrayed for the last time, I'm not letting anyone fucking close to me ever again, all they do is walk away after I give them SO much ... I will never love like this again..

Is there something wrong with me? So many people easily find new love and move on and forget the past why cant I??? Why does my heart still want only him, even long after he has given up?? Am i clingy? desperate? just really stupid?? Even after how much he has hurt me, I still only feel love and want him??...........

I dont feel close to anyone anymore, I feel unimportant and like a waste of space.. I feel like a floating entity, watching down on my family and friends from above yet not comprehending what is happening...

All anyone ever does is criticise or mock me,,... the few who actually care just give me sympathy or pity, I dont WANT IT if you are gona do anything to help then get me out of this FUCKING MESS

I hate how I have to pretend and act like everything is ok infront of everyone, otherwise face fucking STUPID questions, how are you, you ok, whats the matter blah fucking blah

I just want to make something of myself, to acheive and live life the way I want, is that so much to ask for??!! Whats the big deal if i dont want to get married and be a slave for a man I dont even love, and just want to travel on my own??!! I dont want to rely on anyone anymore, its only human nature anyway to just ditch someone in the end, I am the only loyal person I know... pretty much every person I know has betrayed me or let me down in my life, there is nobody like me!! Im one fucking stupid lone ugly duckling, who is nice to everyone and expects the same in return! I just NEED to get away from here now, ive HAD IT!!

I dont think I have the balls to rebel, I would just face problem after problem, I'm scared of the family and what they'd do to my parents, then again I'm a big disappointment to my parents anyway, they already think I'm fucked up,...

Its not even funny how alone I am, nobody cares to listen to me, my brothers laugh and scoff at me, tell me to shutup and use harsh words on me that stab and hurt me like knives, my sister has her own shit going on, friends just say yeah great move out, do this, do that, without truly realising how near impossible it is for me

Nobody would miss me, infact, everyone would be better off without this fucking retard

I find myself not caring or giving a fuck about anything anymore, its as if I have actually lost the ability ... I am completely self-destructive, a hazard to myself

I've never ever had a normal life... theres always been one thing, after another, after another, after another. How the FUCK does anyone expect me to suddenly think, "hey its ok, things will get better!" ??? ... lets be realistic, unless I rebel and go against my family, things will NEVER go my way... and even then, will I be able to live with the burden of guilt and fucking Pakistani culture weighing on my parents?...


Potentially I have so many people to talk to but nobody will listen ... whats the point anyway, nobody understands me, or can change my reality

That word, "reality" ... I despise it. I'm always trying to run away from it or oppose it, somehow... losing myself in films, games, anime, the internet... it has always been my source of comfort my whole life, but now... now it just dulls the pain, which in turn makes it worse once the pain kicks in again

I cry myself to sleep nearly every night and wake up angry and annoyed every afternoon

I think I have eating disorder, I barely eat and I dont feel hungry... I have to force myself... my body is so weak, i get dizzy, tired, cramps so easily, I've lost so much weight but still see a fat unattractive person in the mirror...

I see no hope or happiness for my future, all I see is heartache and headache... all my ambitions were either killed by my family or now by myself... what is the point in continuing?? Please dont give me bullshit like "oh, theres a reason you're alive" or "oh, God always has better in mind for you"... PLEASE. how do we know Allah might feel it is best for me to suffer like this until I kill myself? Could be, right? I dont need this wishy washy answers anymore, ENOUGH of them...

Which leaves one last option? To end this miserable life. But hey, guess what? Allah doesn't allow suicide. Well, fuck me. There really is no easy way out, is there? Why, ya Allah? Why??? Its not even like i can indirectly kill myself by putting myself in danger, Allah knows of the intention. I'm truly fucked. I wish I had the balls to just do it, it cant be that hard to commit suicide, can it? Its what will happen afterwards, the punishment I will face in the afterlife, that is stopping me.

I am so so SO screwed. I am lost and I really dont know what to do. I really do hope I will die soon, somehow. Honestly, I'll be at peace. I've seen/felt/heard enough in these 24 years.... I dont want to continue, ... it will totally be best that way, I'd stop being a hindrace for everyone else, the few people who do care will get over the loss after a few weeks and I will be resting in peace.

Please someone, just take my life. Just do it. Shoot me, run me over, throw me off a cliff, I dont CARE. Just DO IT.

Six months later...
... I've been on a rollercoaster ride of life the past few months. But I want to revive this journal, and start a couple more too. Also, I want to learn Spanish.

(no subject)
God bless Japan

I hope you overcome this awful hurdle and continue to prosper forever. <3

(no subject)
COME ON PAKISTAN! You can do it!!

Win all your matches!!!

Shahid Afridi!! <3 <3

Respect for Egypt!
Just found out that Mubarak has stepped down! I am SOOO proud of Egyptians! Allahu Akbar!

The Revolution has inspired me so much!! That is how you get rid of a corrupt government! Watch and learn, world.. seeing as theres hundreds of countries in the same position...

Gahh.. I'm just speechless. Watching the videos and picture shows on TV and its just SO AMAZING... I'm SO PROUD!

My crack fix these days.


SOOOO RIGHT. *gushes* *drools*

R.I.P Terry...
Today was such a beautiful day. Really strange for England in any weather really, but especially in January. The whole morning and afternoon were bright and sunny, while the night was brilliantly clear with an amazing full moon. Its so rare to see and it really was a treat.

A week ago today, our neighbour was discovered dead in his kitchen, in a pool of blood. He had fallen from the loft, broken his leg, fainted, and bled to death. Even though we werent that close to him, it was such a mortifying experience... he was a drunken, lonely man. But he always talked and laughed with us and treated us with such respect. He said on many occasions that he envied our lives as we were always surrouned by family and support. It was so upsetting... the police were so insensitive, I felt so mad at them... one of them was humming loudly while Terry's sister was there... ugh. How disgusting.

Its so sad how he taught me something even after dying. Keeping in touch with and letting the people you love know how much you appreciate them is so important. If he had anyone with him he wouldnt have died or been miserable his whole life.. I hope he reaches a better place.

(no subject)


Koisuru Boukun new manga chapter is OUT!! I am so addicted oh my god I dont even know how I waited all this time. And it was at the WORST cliffhanger ever, when Morinaga is caught out with his old lover and all the jealousy !!! 8D

In fact I dont even know how fast it took me to catchup and read all the chapters


*goes to read*

Happy New Year!!!

One of my resolutions: to blog more. DEFINITELY. Even if its only a little post, or I dont have much to say. I will try my best yo!

Speaking of resolutions, I have lots of them.. well more like goals.... theres alot I want to achieve this year.

I dont give compliments to London or UK very easily, believe me. BUT... the fireworks this time, oh my god!! <3 They were the best ever!! The way they had synchronised it to the music and all the different colours... wow!! I will put up a video as soon as it is available on Youtube...

My brother came back from Spain just in time to watch the countdown to 2011 with us, and my mom made his favorite dish: Chicken Biryani xD it was sooo yummy!! *^_^*

In other news, Arashi hosted Kouhaku and done a live broadcast for the Johnnys Countdown, I already have the videos... heehee... I just need to get my hands on the full shows now. :D

(no subject)
I have been reading waaayyy too much yaoi/slash fanfiction.


Other than that, wasting my life on sleeping and playing FFVII. <3 Too many hot guys. *drools*


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